Deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.
I fell hard.
Not like, fell on the floor (though that might have been less painful).
I fell for a crush.
Those of you who know me personally, or were listeners of Johnnys House, know how rare this is.
It’s no secret I’ve decided to stay single for a hot minute, and many people (Hi Grimes!) would say it’s largely in part to me being ~overly-picky~
Truth be told, I can’t vividly remember the last time I allowed myself to have that “butterfly-in-stomach/ I-could-throw-up-but-I’m-also-so-happy” feeling.
Despite publishing a blog to thousands of followers, I do have SOME shame...so I’ll try not to give away too many details. But let’s just say this person was tall/ handsome/ and had an accent to die for. From the moment I met him I wanted to know more about him. He was tough, but had a smile that made me blush.
And did I mention the accent?
I found myself reverting back to school-girl ways. Finding reasons to be around him, checking him out from across the room, and teasing him in a flirty way.
You know the phrase RBF? Resting b*tch face? Well, I have resting everything face. I suppose I wear my heart not only on my sleeve, but my face too. Therefore it doesn’t take very long for anyone to know how I’m feeling. And in this case, I couldn’t keep it to myself much longer and decided to ask him out for a drink.
***Rejected*** (for good reason, but still)
Now, in the era of modern dating, I don’t normally think twice of making the first move. I’ve slid into DMs. I text first. I’ve initiated hangouts. But this felt different. This time felt extra vulnerable.
And I suppose that’s the problem with “wearing your heart on your sleeve”. Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to feel deeply...falling hard...not holding back... As perfectly described in the Ted Talk above.
And it’s not just something I’ve faced in the world of dating. I struggle with it every day in the workplace. The idea of “it’s not personal, it’s business” is impossible for me. Everything is personal. Everything hits below the skin. (You can imagine how challenging this is in the world of “show business”!!!)
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t ALL negative.
For one, it provides me with a much greater capacity for empathy. I’d even argue it’s the main reason I was inspired to start my charity. It allows me to FEEL others pain, and take action to help them.
It allows me the courage to say “F**k it” and go for it. Whether it’s asking out a crush or quitting a job I’m unhappy in, I always know exactly how I feel and what to do about it.
And finally, it allows me to love. A lot.
Because in the end, I’d rather love and lost than to have never loved at all. Right?